last paragraph

I always believed the last paragraph would be the hardest of all , my current contemplation on this thought opposes it ... it opposes it in a very intense and irreversible way. its as if i could almost touch the end , a rather not so glorious end , though written by me and only me. master of an own end. deliberately concealing each and every drop of lifetime in a moment, in a single upcoming end event. it is indeed challenging , scary, yet so inviting and welcoming. how can these words come out of a healthy mind, i could only swear my mind could enclose a high voltage of madness and delirium of feelings. but yet , so clear , so carefully contemplated , so sophisticated in  all manners and ways. i am scared , i can only admit it.... i am afraid of aftermath , of me kneeling to all upcoming problems deaths, reckless thoughts, unfulfillment. i am afraid , yes i am of the development and closure of my own circle , i want a circle that will never seize to close, that will never meet the end point of it , never die , that will never seize to be called a circle, it would rather be another shape my shape , a shape that would have no name ...... no identity within all dictionaries , within anything so far known and recognised. i tend to believe to a path i chose to taken , written yet so contradictive i can say that there is a book , oh there is one book that one book that writes every iternary we take , at every tick of the clock at every footage of our life . i envy all these people that really have the will to depict the aftermath of their life ... i envy these people that could really put each and every muscle and speckle of their bodies and soul into something called life ..... a linkage between life and fulfilment i guess is the yet so far unknown...can u even imagine , how nice is a drop on a green lief , that drop came from the vaulted sky , from heaven itself , laying now on a leaf , mirroring its surroundings so respectfully , and then a gentle touch of wind comes , tandalising the lief , and then the drop draws its path down the line of the lief and down to the earth berrying itself to the ground becomes one with earth ... now the drop has done its circle , its done its gone , it has served a purpose and now its gone , vanished , cannot return... maybe that was a sort of simple description of the circle .... i cannot accept this ... now wrong i can accept , it is indeed natural by all means , and yet so challengingly off road calling... so tempting not to follow ...... i swear i can do anything to succeed become something wait for my circle to close like al people , no all does not really exist like most of the people... and yet i was always one of a kind .... here comes it ...which kind ?... which kind is this kind that knows no identity whatsoever , and yet a kind that knows a path a definite path , a road , a highway...someone once told me , if there were two paths one with lights and a dark one , that i would chose the dark one ......i am a sort of life , i have a spark inside me , i can feel it , its a gift , i feel its demanding i feel its so opposing to everything. i feel its suffocating . i must remind myself that i am fine , i am fine indeed , i couldnt be better .... then why , why is it i feel all this turmoil , all this darkness coming out , u know darkness seeks light ... it couldnt really stay in its own abyss it should at some point inevitably rise and conquer ......conquer what .....there is really nothing left .....is there ....reckless .... completely incomplete ...and completely completed ... how ..... its not math , yet it is ... considering that infinity is a part of maths ..... i do not need to survive , i do not need complete anything, i have no needs . i rather take the cancer of any suffering woman on this earth , and give her the life i have , then i might feel complete . that would be a purpose. at least at that i would succeed . i feel so powerless and yet so strong , a part of me is thirsty and another part of me is drunk ... both parts come together and yet never attach never seize to connect ....never .... in vane ... in vane means a lot , and even more it screams into my hear , though it never makes me deaf .