new chapter ? or just for fun and game ?...

new chapter ?

the turmoil of the feelings i am trying to conquer for the past 2 days is unspeakable , it was irrelevant with anything i have already done so far . it was anything beyond of what i imagined for my life and the incidents inside it. the three part and a woman. the phase where i come to ask myself , what are you ? what is your physical and social status ? i have a very calm life , a very programmed lifestyle , i know what happens at every moment and then comes this . . . not this , these things . . . the first was deleted , the other one is more serious though i have clarified my availability , my short availability in that encounter today this early morning within the walls of a coffee shop. i do not know , what i know is that playing can be very dangerous surprising all at the same time . what im trying to say is that it can fuck your entire way of thinking and yr entire psychology , or you can just , yes i said just , just leave it behind and never lean back to re encounter it , nor comment , nor think about it. it is an option. how hard can it be to say no. cyprus is full of really fucked up encounters , really surprisingly dangerous moments , how can it be i feel safer in Germany, how can it be i can consider my own home safer that this home here where i was born and brought up. i have to go back. . . i must . . .
for my own sake and the for the sake of the people around me . the problem is that i am not a child anymore nor am i considered as one . i have no excuse, i have no pillow to lean on , and comfort my mind mentally. . . its all about the game , a game ... with no specific rules but at the same time very basic rules that one must follow to come out of the game in one piece. one piece ? or one healthy piece . . . my mind is screaming out of mismanagement , it is more like a desperate cry , than a will to grasp something and hold on to.

i think i have it all made up in my mind , i believe its nothing more that witchcraft ....

witchcraft it is, no magic in it , only realisation and pure reality, and yet more surreal than real ...

and yet i am the captain myself , the stirring in my hands is fire, and yet i am on a ship it seems like i am drowning , and yet i have a pare of lifejackets i am still pulling myself to the abyss... and yet its me , in whole , its still a ghost , its still a stranger ....